For Christ's sake...

Carol Coulter on the Government's terrifying proposal to make blasphemous libel a criminal offence.

Best gay clips

The ultimate time thief, but well worth checking out.

Animal CSI

From today's Irish Examiner...

Fans of the hit US TV show CSI: Crime Scene Investigation will be familiar with the work of forensic scientists, the experts who trace bullet trajectories, study blood spray patterns and retrieve the tiny bits of evidence crucial to any investigation of mysterious or unusual deaths and crimes.

But what happens when the victims of such crimes are cats and dogs, rather than men and women? Can forensics be used in the same way to build a case against those who abuse or kill animals? Dr Melinda Merck, director of veterinary forensic sciences for the American Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, certainly believes so.

She has spent the past seven years developing the field of veterinary forensics, preserving animal crime scenes and collecting evidence that has helped to nail several perpetrators of violence against animals. Dr Merck was in Ireland last week to speak at an ISPCA conference on animal forensics in UCD, and how some of these techniques might be introduced here in Ireland.

Dr Merck is the first to admit that this is an unusual line of work, so how did she ever get into it in the first place? “I guess it happened gradually as more cruelty laws were passed in the US,” she explains. “The higher burden of proof in aggravated cruelty cases meant there was a greater need for forensics. I’ve always been interested in solving puzzles and mysteries. I think that’s a natural extension of veterinary medicine because we have patients that can’t tell us what’s wrong.

“In 2002, I started working with all those who had something to offer on animal cruelty cases: medical examiners, coroners, entomologists, forensic experts and crime scene investigators. None of these people had the time nor were they trained to process an animal crime scene, so I decided I would study and learn it myself.”

Dr Merck, herself the adoring owner of nine cats and two dogs, has now been working full-time as an animal forensics expert for two years. She says that despite the somewhat eccentric nature of the job, law enforcement officials and criminal prosecutors take her line of work deadly seriously.

“They really just didn’t understand what was involved, but once they became educated we got their full support,” she says. “My aim is to build a case and make it as legally tight as possible. Before, nobody wanted to take these cases to court because they didn’t know how to present them as evidence, and these cases are all evidence-based.

“We have a victim that can’t testify, so the evidence is what provides the voice and tells the story. My focus is helping at the first level of investigation at the crime scene, as well as examining the live or deceased animals, and then presenting, or helping a prosecutor to present that evidence in court.”

Dr Merck says they have been “extremely successful” so far in getting convictions against people who harm animals. The number one problem in the US is neglect cases, but animal forensic teams also prepare evidence against those involved with puppy farming, dog fighting and animal torture.

While animal cruelty cases are important in their own right, they can also serve as indicators of many other forms of violence and ongoing abuse and neglect, including child and spousal abuse. Professor Randall Lockwood, a psychologist and animal behaviourist, was also at the ISPCA conference in Dublin to talk about the links between animal violence and other serious criminal activities.

Having spent over two decades studying why and how people hurt animals, Prof Lockwood began liaising with animal rights activists, social workers and child protection officers to conduct a study comparing ASPCA records of homes that were visited for suspected animal cruelty and child protection reports. He says he wasn’t at all surprised to find a high degree of overlap.

“The problem in the States, and I see the same here in Ireland, is that most agencies that deal with violence are segregated according to the nature of the victim,” Prof Lockwood says. “What we’ve realised is that we’re dealing with the same perpetrators.

“We’re increasingly using the presence of animal abuse and neglect to identify families that are in need of intervention. I always tell child abuse investigators that the first and best question you should ask any kid is: tell me about your pets. It will be there in all likelihood and the children will be aware of it. They understand how the animals are being treated and they want it to stop.

“One of the things we try to stress is finding something to talk about with the children that is non-threatening and which establishes a bond. Everyone likes dogs and cats. Sometimes we might have a therapy animal in the room when talking to the kids, and they will often indirectly reveal details of abuse at home.”

In the course of his study in this area, Prof Lockwood spent time interviewing some of society’s most deranged elements, including rapists, murderers and serial killers, in order to establish links between the various forms of violence against the defenceless.

“Some were more self-aware than others about their own pathways,” he explains. “The serial killer with whom I spoke the longest was named Keith Hunter Jesperson, the so-called ‘Happy Face Killer’. There had been a case where some boys had killed one of their mother’s cats, and it was being treated in the local paper with an attitude of, ‘Oh it was just a cat and boys will be boys’.

“But this guy, who was in prison for three murders, wrote a letter to the editor of that paper saying, ‘You should take this seriously, that’s how I got started’. I was on a plane to the prison the next day and spent two days interviewing him. After that, he wrote his own biography, and he even has his own blog now about animal cruelty. When a guy like that offers some insight into his motivation, then you have to listen.”

Right now, the field of animal forensics looks set to grow and grow. The conference in Dublin was attended by several members of the Gardai as well as social services and the veterinary profession. Meanwhile, courses are now being taught in vet schools in three American universities and a full undergrad and MA course is about to start in the University of Florida.

It appears the “CSI Effect” has struck again, popularising and glamorising a niche corner of forensic science. Dr Merck laughs and says: “All we need is for Jerry Bruckheimer to develop a CSI: Animals television show and get it out there on a massive scale. That would be great.”

Bea Arthur, legend

RIP

Easy glider

My piece on Segways from last Thursday's Irish Examiner...

It’s a beautiful, sunny spring afternoon in Dublin’s Phoenix Park. Kids are playing, couples are having romantic picnics, the joggers are out in force, and elsewhere hordes of people are enjoying nice, leisurely strolls in and around the Park’s fields and green areas as the deer frolic nearby.

“Suckers!” I think to myself as I whizz past them all on my snazzy, sleek Segway transporter. What’s that you ask? A Segway is a two-wheeled, self-balancing electric vehicle that you operate standing upright. Movie-goers will have seen one featured prominently in the recent comedy Paul Blart: Mall Cop, while regular travellers might have encountered them, or even used one, while visiting several other European countries or US cities like Washington DC or Chicago.

Hot-headed super-chef Gordan Ramsay was also snapped in the papers last week falling off his Segway while buzzing around Santa Monica pier in Los Angeles. Just how Ramsay managed this clumsy feat is beyond me because the machines appear to be foolproof in terms of safety.

That’s because it operates according to your body movements: it is designed to be as intuitive to use as walking. To move forward, you simply lean forward. To stop or slow down, you lean back. Similarly you just turn your body slightly left or right to turn the transporter in that direction. All the while, electronic sensors ensure you keep your balance.

The good news for all of those wishing to try out one of the machines is that there is now a guided Segway tour of Phoenix Park in operation. Organised in conjunction between Segway Ireland and Pat Liddy Walking Tours, ‘Glide Tours’ take groups of eight people at a time on a two-hour Segway expedition of the historic park, taking in the buildings, monuments, and natural sights.

Upon arriving at the Ashtown Visitor Centre in the Park, I’m met by Vincent Lundy of Glide Tours and Martin Butler from Segway Ireland. I spend a few minutes in training, familiarising myself with the machine. This is so easy that the most difficult aspect is figuring out the strap on the helmet.

“Loosen your knees and act natural,” Martin advises as I scoot off down the path. I’m a bit careful at first, but after a few minutes, there’s no stopping me. I have a huge, goofy smile on my face the whole time, what Martin refers to as ‘the Segway Grin’.

It is an incredible way to get around: it literally turns with my body. The machine - which, incidentally, will cost you about e6,000 - works by a computer programme, which sets the speed at a maximum of 20km per hour.

The inbuilt safety mechanism ensures that if you approach that speed, it will force you into brake mode. What’s more they can’t coast or free-wheel: they only move when you do.

In addition, their green credentials are unimpeachable. The Segway has a maximum range of 38km on a single charge, which is one unit of electricity costing 16c (or half that if charged overnight). The company’s research also shows that travelling a distance of 9km in Dublin city centre would take about 20 minutes on a Segway, which is surely of interest to all of those who sit in gridlock traffic every morning and evening.

Lost in my own world, I don’t realise that a large crowd of French students have assembled along the sides of the path. As I pose for the Examiner’s photographer, they all start cheering and, I suspect, willing me to fall over for their own entertainment. Thankfully, I don’t give them their wish.

Stopping to rest for a moment, a young boy shyly approaches and asks me to autograph his football. My Segway exploits have made me a star.

After that I convince Vincent and Martin to take me on a quick tour of the Park. The machines are cross-terrain so we whizz down by the Aras (apparently President McAleese gave a big wave to one of the tour groups last month), over to the Papal Cross, where I get brave and chug up the small mound and back down again with ease, and then return to the start point via the US Ambassador’s residence.

Every passer-by stops to have a gawk. A car slows down at a roundabout and a young man’s head pops out the window to shout, ‘How is it they don’t fall over?’ I start to reply, but realise now probably isn’t the best time to get into a discussion on the complex engineering dynamics of the “inverted pendulum”. I pass a young boy playing with a scooter. He looks at me disconsolately as I power past, shooting him a superior look. Elsewhere a sweaty jogger calls out to me: “That’s cheating man.”

Having prised me off the machine, Martin explains that Segways are so new here in Ireland that their legal status is “a bit of a grey area” in terms of public usage. “There’s no classification as yet, but we’ve had very positive meetings with [Minister for Transport] Noel Dempsey so that should change soon. The legal model we discussed was based on what the Austrians did which more or less classed the Segway as a bicycle.

“Our clients are mainly security, building management, warehouses, and medical response in large complexes. Private citizens, mostly with mobility issues, are using them on the streets, but they’re very select.”

One such private Segway owner - perhaps the most famous in the country - is RTE’s economics editor George Lee, who has been regularly spotted zipping around town on his machine. “It’s like a magic carpet - that’s the only way to describe it,” Lee explains.

“I have mine since last August so I have about 700km up on it. It’s very addictive, I look for any reason to use it. I get a huge reaction to my Segway. Everybody wants to hear about it, even if they think you look odd on it.”

The financial wunderkind says that he uses his Segway to make the five mile journey from his home in Cabinteely to work in RTE in Donnybrook, as well as for popping into town. “I have a lock for it, so I can tie it up in a bike stand, plus there’s an in-built de-mobiliser so it’s actually impossible to take the machine away,” he explains.

He adds that his Segway even saved the day once when he had to rush across the city for a live report. “I had to get down to the IFSC to do a live feed for the Six One news,” he recalls. “It was 5.50pm and I was still in RTE. I knew I’d never make it in a car or taxi. I had no choice but to take the Segway. I was down in the IFSC from RTE in about 8 minutes. I couldn’t believe it. I was live on air for the top story at 6pm.”

On that note, my interview with George ends, and I trudge to the bus-stop to make my way home. I can’t help put scowl resentfully at the bus when it (eventually) pulls up. After all, how can any regular mode of transport ever hope to compare to a ride on a ‘magic carpet’?

www.glidetours.ie

www.segway.ie

[Cue theme tune of Imperial March...]

Genius (knacked from Ray Foley).

Kal Penn: from 'House' to White House

Most bizarre celeb career switch. Ever.

Kal Penn - star (until last night's shocking episode) of the TV show House and the Harold and Kumar stoner movies - is the new associate director in the White House office of public liaison.

Spanx for the memories

My piece on the new Equmen Core Precision Shirt - aka the male girdle - in today's Independent.

First came package-enhancing underwear; then there was the 'man-bra'; and most recently man-scara, concealer and 'guyliner' make-up products. Now men's fashion is once again going where only the fairer sex dared go before -- this time into the realm of spanx and control underwear. Yes, guys, the male girdle has arrived.

Continue here.

(Not: picture is NOT me, alas).

The gays are revolting

Tell a friend.

Levi on Tyra

Remember sexy Levi, the poor chap caught up in the Palin madness last year? Watch him on Tyra Banks this week...

Part 2 here.

'The most popular girl in the world'

In the week of Michelle Obama's triumphant tour of Europe with her husband (whathisface?), some of the coverage is linked below...

Profile in The Sunday Times

The Daily Beast has a whole page of articles headed 'the most popular girl in the world'.

Time reports how Michelle has 'found her role on the world stage'.

I Love You, Man

My feature on bromances in Weekend mag in today's Independent

Love is in the air this spring, but I'm afraid the ladies won't be getting a look in. That's because we are living in the era of the 'bromance', a social (r)evolution that is changing the very nature of male friendships and how men relate to one another...

Continue here.

One on the house

It's 2am on a Sunday morning, and we've been wandering around a pitch black neighbourhood in a north Dublin suburb for 20 minutes, carrier bags in hand. My friend is on the phone getting fuzzy directions. "

Right, so it's left, then the second right, then straight ... wait, say that again," he shouts.

Two other friends hop from one foot to the other to keep warm, while I feel on the verge of reverting back to my four-year-old self, tugging on my mother's coat, whining: 'I wanna go-a home-a'.

Continue here.

Fang-tastic stuff

This morning I caught a screening of Let The Right One In, which I had been looking forward to for donkeys. It didn't disappoint and is sure to be at or near the top of every critic's top 10 list for 2009. Think Twilight done by Bergman, re-cut by Guillermo del Toro and you get some sense of how unusual - and special - this movie is.

A bullied 12 year old boy in early 1980s Sweden befriends a 12 year old ("more or less") vampire that moves into his building. That's all you need to know because from that the quietest, stillest, most visually-stunning vampire love story you've ever seen unfolds. Despite its eerie calm, it also manages to be totally gripping and utterly haunting.

This probably won't have them queuing around the blocks when it opens next Friday, but this is one to be very excited about (the inevitable Hollywood remake is due next year, to be helmed by Cloverfield maestro Matt Reeves).

Lost, Entourage win Peabody Awards

Very prestigious - and very deserved.

Lost: "Breezily mixing metaphysics, quantum physics, romance and cliffhanger action, the genre-bending series about a group of air-crash survivors on a mysterious island has rewritten the rules of television fiction".

Entourage: "Hollywood gets an affectionately merciless tweaking in this picaresque about an ambitious male starlet, his posse of pals, and his multi-faced agent".

Mother Mayer I!

John Mayer: I love you.

Watch.