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Monday, October 26, 2009

What a piece of work is man


My 'Epilogue' column from this month's GCN

Last month, I interviewed Belle de Jour, the anonymous former London call girl who chronicled her various sexual and emotional trysts in the best-selling books, The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl and The Further Adventures of a London Call Girl.

I had an email chat with the fabulous Belle about her new book, Belle’s Guide to Men, a Sex and the City-tinged, self-help book-cum-dating guide told in Belle’s witty, finger-snapping style. At the end of our conversation, Belle asked, ‘Would you consider writing the man/man version of this book for gay men?’

I laughed and violently dismissed the suggestion like the good self-deprecating, low self-esteem-ridden Irish person I am, but I’ve been thinking about that idea ever since. Rather than put arse to seat for months or years writing an actual book, I’ve decided to avail of this column space to present my key advice and tips for dealing with and understanding other gay men.

I’m not an expert - by any means - and these are just culled from my own experience and observations. I’m sure you all have your own, and if you’d care to send them on to the email address at the end of this page, I’m sure there would be an extended feature article on the topic in GCN in the near future.

So just think of me as ‘Fella de Whore’ as you cast an eye over my bespoke, incomplete guy-ographical study of the wonderful, baffling creature that is the Irish Gay Man.

In no particular order:

* If you’ve just come out, no matter what age you are, what you need now are friends, not boyfriends. Concentrate on that, please. Get all over friends like Dannii Minogue on a box of new wigs.

*On that same point, you will now be going through your ‘delayed adolescence’ phase, playing catch-up for all that lost lust time. Have fun, be careful, and try not to break too many hearts along the way. Note to everyone else: step away from the just-came-out guy!

* Bitchiness comes with the gay territory. A little bit can do us all good, but man should know when to say when. Remember: “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” In other words: put the claws away, bitch!

*It’s perfectly okay to have no interest in fashion, interior design, America’s Next Top Model or Mad-out-of-it-Onna.

*Everyone has bad sexual experiences. It doesn’t always (ahem) come together the first time. It’s okay. Try again. Hell, fail on purpose just so you can keep trying.

*Size: we all have our opinions on it. Mine is: it’s not size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean.

*Go for sexual health checks twice a year. I went last month, and my doctor told me he’s diagnosing an average of two HIV cases a week. That’s one just doctor on a tiny scene. Two a week. Wrap it up boys.

*That guy you had sex with last night or last weekend will probably avoid eye contact when you see each other in bars or on the street. Don’t rush to judgement: you’re probably doing it too.

*Similarly, why is that we can all spend hours, days, months even talking to some guy on Manhunt or Gaydar (oh don’t look at me like that, you know you have an account), yet we totally ignore each other if we cross paths in a pub or club?

*If you can identify all the guys in the pub just by their Gaydar profile name, it’s time to cancel the subscription for a while. Come, join us in the real world. It ain’t so bad!

*Chat to someone online for no longer than a week; then insist on meeting.

* Never, ever go on a date with a grown man who uses digits instead of letters in text messages/emails.

*Don’t worry about texting too much or too soon after the date. If you like him, just do it for fuck’s sake.

*Lurking on George’s Street for talent at Desperate O’Clock (2am onwards) is not a good look. Or so I’m told every Saturday night.

* You and your friend(s) will fall for the same guy at some stage. It can be tricky, but don’t be a cock-blocker out of petty jealously. Plus always remember: ‘bros before mos’.

*In that vein, one of your friends/acquaintances will end up going out with one of your exes. Everyone has maybe one or two exes that are totally off limits; the others are all fair game. Accept it.

* If you’re 28 or over, you have nothing in common with people under 21. A harsh over-generalisation, perhaps, but true nonetheless. For [insert deity of choice here] sake, some of them were born in the Nineties. The Nineties!

Anything to add? Send it to declan.cashin@gmail.com

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Out and proud?

My article from the News Review section of today's Irish Independent

“I went out with nice women and good women, but sure, I still knew. I wanted something else. I get more out of men. I just do. Always have. I know I am different but just in this way.”

With those words, Cork hurler Donal Og Cusack this week telescoped the national gaze onto the role of gay people in Irish sport and, by extension, Irish society. For a leading GAA figure to candidly discuss his homosexuality in his own autobiography, Come What May, and with Ryan Tubridy on The Late Late Show last night, and for him to receive such warm support from colleagues and the majority of the public, is a true milestone in the history of Irish gay life.

The question now is to what extent Donal Og’s honesty will impact on other gay Irish sportsmen in the GAA and beyond. Sport, along with politics, are the two ‘last frontiers’ when it comes to gay visibility within its ranks. Will this past week go down in history as the moment when the closet doors were finally blown off of these two traditional bastions of Irish social and public life?

In the midst of the intense media coverage of Donal Og’s coming out last week, Review spoke to one young gay man, Brian (not his real name), who is actively involved in club hurling in his hometown in the rural southwest of Ireland. Brian, who is in his late 20s, isn’t out to his teammates, and doesn’t think he’s ready to follow Cork goalie Donal Og’s example.

“I haven’t considered it at all, to be honest,” admits Brian. “I suppose I haven’t come out to my teammates because I’m not entirely comfortable with my sexuality yet. Donal Og is speaking quite retrospectively. He’s gone through the heartache, so to speak. He’s come out to his parents and his team, and he’s very comfortable with who he is. That’s a grand position to be in to come out. I still have my own inhibitions.

“It’s a very macho, male environment in a hurling club. You’re encouraged to be a tough, hard guy. Stereotypes are enforced in many ways. There would be homophobic humour in the changing rooms, and not just jokes. A classic way of getting at your opponent is calling him a ‘faggot’ or whatever. That’s done all the time.

“I remember one guy I used to play in college, the first thing he’d do on the pitch is grab his opponent’s arse because the guy would turn on him and go f*cking nuts. The referee would send him off straight away.”

Brian believes that, had Donal Og come out 10 years ago at the start of his career, that “he would not have made the senior panel”.

“No, definitely not,” he states. “He would have had to be established as a very good hurler to provide that comfort zone to allow him to come out. I wouldn’t judge the guy for not doing it before now.”

As if further proof were needed, Brian confirms that he himself knows lots of gay sportsmen who are not out to their teams or anyone else for that matter. “I know a guy who plays inter-county football, and another who plays inter-provincial rugby, and both are completely in the closet,” he says. “They would be clandestinely homosexual. They might meet guys online or whatever. They’re not going out for dinner holding hands with guys.

“I was out one night and met a guy on a rival team. I suspect it was his first night in a gay club because he was very nervous. When he saw me he died. I said hello, and he was like, ‘Jesus, please don’t tell anyone’, and I replied, ‘Look man, I’m here too.’ He went on to play senior for his club, but he’s still not out to anyone.”

Irrespective of his own situation, Brian admits that Donal Og’s coming out is a positive thing, but cautions that the real test of the fans’ and the organisation’s attitude is yet to come.

“What’s important about Donal Og is how straight guys have responded to it, the stereotypically red-blooded males that have been heroes in terms of Cork sport and Cork supporters,” Brian says. “These guys are saying, ‘We don’t care. Donal Og is a good hurler. We’re there for him, we’ll stand up for him’.

“I think older members - older selectors and chairmen - might be a little uncomfortable about it. They are being confronted with a model of a GAA player that they never really have seen.

“I read that Donal Og got a good bit of homophobic abuse from rivals and the crowds. Other players might use it to get at him. The next few games will be very interesting to see how Donal Og is treated.

“With him being a goalie, he’ll have two umpires on either side of him. If they hear any homophobic abuse directed at Donal, they should put up their hands, notify the ref, and get the stewards in to remove these people, be they players or supporters.

“The GAA needs to make clear that it will not tolerate prejudice towards its gay players. I think a lot of gay hurlers will remain in the closet otherwise. I know lots of gay guys who played hurling, and loved it, but they stopped because they didn’t feel supported in an overt way.”

If Donal Og’s stature in the hurling arena were to be transmuted into the world of Irish politics, he would be the equivalent of a Government minister or, at the very least, a prominent TD. But today, Senators David Norris (Ind) and Labour’s Dominic Hannigan are the only out and proud members of the Oireachtas. No TD, past or present, has yet come out.

However, there are several young openly gay party councillors who are doing their bit to raise the rainbow flag in Irish politics, a new generation of politicians who could very well be TDs after the next general election.

One such figure is Roderic O’Gorman, the deputy chair of the Green Party’s national council, who ran (unsuccessfully) as a candidate for the party in the 2004 and 2009 local elections, and also in the 2007 general election.

“My sexuality was certainly known within the party, but it was simply never an issue,” Roderic says. “Even out on the hustings, I’ve never had any negative comments directed towards myself personally.

“On a few occasions, people have taken issue with the party’s stance on gay marriage, and so I would explain to them, as a gay man, why I believed marriage equality was the right policy, whether they accepted my argument or not.”

Similarly, Malcolm Byrne, a Fianna Fail councillor from Gorey, Co Wexford who was “outed” by a silly and salacious article in The Sun in early 2006, says that the public were, and have been, overwhelmingly supportive, adding that his sexuality hasn’t been a bugbear with constituents.

“My family and friends knew that I was gay, but I was amazed by the number of calls, texts, emails, letters, and handshakes I got, many from people I didn’t even know,” Malcolm says. “I think Irish people are fundamentally very fair. I faced the electorate again this summer in the local elections. The issue wasn’t raised on the doorsteps. I see myself as a politician who happens to be gay, rather than a gay politician.”

It seems that Irish voters don’t seem to really care about a public representative’s sexual preference. So why aren’t there any openly gay TDs in this country? “I suppose it’s because the two main parties [Fianna Fail and Fine Gael], the ones that hold the majority of seats, both have quite traditional viewpoints on the issue of homosexuality,” Roderic O’Gorman replies.

“Certainly it’s changing in both parties, but it does narrow the scope for gay party members to feel that they can be open about their sexuality and seek high office at the same time.

“Most modern European nations have gay men and women in positions of power, such as Johanna Sigurdardottir, the prime minister of Iceland. Look at the UK: Peter Mandelson, whatever his faults, is essentially the deputy prime minister.

“I think the Irish political system makes it harder because many of these other countries have a list system where people can be elected according to the party’s national vote, rather than having to depend on the parochial constituency format we have here in Ireland.”

Malcolm Byrne adds that for a TD to come out, he or she will have to contend with seeing their private life magnified in the public eye. “The increased level of media scrutiny is a challenge for anyone in politics these days,” he says.

“I think it’s only a matter of time before Ireland has its first openly gay, directly elected TD. But I think it’s fair to say that they won’t be elected because they’re gay and they won’t not be elected because they’re gay. People will vote for them based on their performance, and their wider set of issues and interests.”

Ruairi Quinn, Labour TD and former party leader, has been actively involved in national politics for the last three decades, but he says he has never known of a gay TD in this country. “You’d have a suspicion about some people, but nothing more than that,” he says.

“There was coverage in the press last week of the first meeting of openly gay members of the INTO [Irish National Teacher’s Organisation]. A lot of the fears common to gay teachers - the fear of lack of promotion and of discrimination - would be felt by politicians too.”

Inevitably, Quinn argues, the real extent of the Irish public’s acceptance of gay political candidates will only be gauged when a “first” puts themselves forward. That moment could arrive sooner than we think.

“Senator David Norris could very well be our first openly gay presidential candidate [in 2011],” Quinn says. “That would be a test case. It would be similar to the candidacy of Mary Robinson in 1990. Her gender was second to her manifest other abilities, but, for some, it was still a factor.”

For his part, Senator Norris has this to say on both his presidential ambitions and his chances: “I can tell you I got a standing ovation in Cork on Tuesday at that very suggestion.”

Norris continues: “But for it to be a real possibility, I’d have to have firm approaches from the kind of coalition that got behind Mary Robinson. My sexual orientation would be a part of any campaign, but, just as with Donal Og Cusack, it might be raised to knock it out and make it irrelevant. And it should be irrelevant.”

************************

Also read a lengthy interview with Donal Og in today's Irish Times.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Best in Travel 2010


This arrived in the post to me yesterday. My first published piece with Lonely Planet. Quite chuffed so I was! Thank you muchly to Fionn Davenport for giving me the chance

You can buy copies here...

National gaze

Lots of gayness in the meeja this week owing to the moving funeral for Stephen Gately, the first teacher conference for openly gay teachers, and the decision by Cork hurler Donal Og Cusack to come out.

Fintan O'Toole and Kate Holmquist write about it in the Times...

I have my own piece in the Independent...

Monday, October 19, 2009

In it to twin it


I visited The X Factor last courtesy of Mr Louis Walsh - it was a brilliant night, and you can read all about it in Weekend magazine in the Irish Independent on October 31.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Team Jedward!


I don't care what people say, I think The X Factor twins, John and Edward, are frickin' hilarious. This performance made my day.

While we're on the subject, I'm going to the X Factor live result show in Wembley tomorrow night. Eek! Full report in the Irish Independent on October 31

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Get in the Mood


Singer, cook, astronaut, Nobel Prize winner, Time magazine man of the year, and all-round Renaissance man Donal Skehan, of The Good Mood Food Blog, has just released his first - for there will surely be more - cook book, Good Mood Food. In between his day job as a singer with the pop band Industry, Donal has compiled loads of his own personal favourite recipes: they're easy to try yourself at home, and all tasty, healthy and quirky. Well, well worth a look.

If you're around town next Wednesday, October 21, the book is being launched in Dubray Books on Grafton Street at 6.30pm.

Story bud


More Toy Story 3 posters are released....

Watch the trailer here...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Down while at the top


This evening I went to an Amnesty International lecture given by former Norwegian prime minister Kjell Magne Bondevik, who spoke about his experience of disclosing that he was suffering from a depressive episode in 1998 whilst he held high office. A fascinating guy who spoke with honesty, humour and dignity.

DLB


Milk Oscar winner Dustin Lance Black speaks at the gay march on Washington yesterday

Picture of the day


Hillary has a drink in McDaids on Harry St last night. Pic from today's Irish Times.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Stephen Gately, 1976-2009


Very sad news this morning about the death of Boyzone singer Stephen Gately at age 33. As a gay man, I feel like I owe Stephen a huge amount for taking the groundbreaking and very brave step to come out at the height of his popularity in 1999. The world, and that industry, was very different even 10 years ago, and it took tremendous courage to do what Stephen did.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Smmmmmmmmmmmokin'!

Nightwatch column from today's Irish Independent

It was a reasonable enough request, I guess. The guy had tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention, and I had turned distractedly to face him. "'Scuse me bud," he asked, "but do you have a lighter?" I was confused. "A what?" I asked. "A lighter," he repeated, making a lighter motion with his hands. Being a bit slow on the uptake, I only finally copped what he was asking when I saw the cigarette dangling from his lips.

Continue here

The Lovely Bones


Great poster. Very excited about seeing this

Wowza!


President Obama wins the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize

The text of Obama's speech from the White House earlier today

Marge's Playboy cover

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Dave Letterman EW cover


Nice.

The RuBamas


Tee hee hee. RuPaul/Obama mash-up doing email rounds.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Junket Johnny humour



The story behind these for those (un)fortunate enough to have missed the whole sorry affair

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Child brides

From today's Irish Independent

Benedicta Attoh was born into extreme poverty in Nigeria in 1970. At age 15, she became a ‘child bride’ when her father arranged for Benedicta to marry a man 25 years her senior.

Impoverished parents in developing countries sometimes give away their young daughters in return for hefty dowries and the promise of a better life. There is also a long-standing tribal custom in some countries in which young daughters are forced into early marriages to keep them from promiscuity, and it creates enormous risks for the young girls (see panel).

Benedicta managed to escape her forced marriage after two years, but that was not without its own immense difficulties. Today she lives in Dundalk with her second husband and two children, and works as a director of the Africa Centre, and as development and awareness officer of the National Consultative Committee on Racism and Integration.

Benedicta is working with Plan Ireland on a new campaign entitled 'Because I Am A Girl', which argues that the failure to educate girls is putting them at risk and is costing the world’s poorest countries billions a year in lost income.

She tells her story to Declan Cashin.

****

I was born into a family of 11 living in a two-room house right in the Niger Delta. It was just after the Nigerian Civil War, and life was very difficult for millions of Nigerians. My parents were very poor and had little education.

My African name, Omonegho, means ‘a child is more valuable than wealth’. I was baptised at 13 by an Irish priest who gave me the name ‘Benedicta’ and I stuck with that. I was also later confirmed by an Irish priest.

I was an exceptionally bright child, and by age 15 I was finished school. My results were very good, but university wasn’t an option.

This man came along who was very wealthy. I was 15; he was 40. His first wife had left him with two children. Apparently he came to seek my hand in marriage through an uncle of mine. My father thought he had found someone who would make him rich and make all our lives better.

My dad threatened me and pressured me into doing it. I was a very naïve 15-year-old. I obeyed my father’s wishes because of my family situation, and also out of fear of what might happen if I said no to him.

Within two weeks, my dowry was paid, which was not a big amount. My father was looking more at the long term benefits for the family. Fortunately there was no church marriage because this man wasn’t divorced from his first wife.

At 15, I inherited two children, then aged three and five. Soon after his first wife indicated that she wanted to return. My husband allowed her to move back in to the family home and I became the ‘second wife’. We all lived in the one house.

I became pregnant, but there was a lot of violence in the relationship. Because of that, I lost my baby. Within a short space of time I got pregnant again and had my son on the day of my 17th birthday.

My ex-husband was himself a medical doctor, but he believed in voodoo, and sought ‘protection’ from witch doctors. Part of the voodoo oath I had to take when we got married was that I would never have anything to do with another man, and if I ever did, then I would die. The process involved me eating a live chicken heart, uncooked. It was so unreal, and I genuinely feared for my life.

Just before my son was born, my ex-husband beat me and sent me home to my parents because I had corrected his child from the first marriage for misbehaving. My son was born in my own home. A week later, my ex-husband said I could return to the home, so I did.

My mother wasn’t allowed to stay with me to help me look after the baby, which is customary in Africa. I was so miserable. I didn’t know how to look after my son.

I had initially been accepted to study an education course in our town, but my husband wouldn’t allow it. He didn’t want me competing with him intellectually. I had nothing. I had a better vision for myself, and I told my ex-husband that I wanted better for me and my son. He got mad and ordered his driver to take my son and me back to my parents’ house. I was only allowed to bring the night-dress I was wearing that day.

My father wasn’t mad when I returned because all the good that had been promised through the marriage never materialised. He accepted me back, but I didn’t speak to him for the next three years. I felt he had mortgaged my happiness. We eventually reconciled. I realised he did it out of ignorance and greed, but also out of love. He didn’t want me to suffer in life.

I still had the voodoo oath over my head. My family had to plead with my ex-husband to take the oath off of me. Eventually he agreed, but it meant having to eat another live chicken heart. It was a nightmare.

It was about eight months later when my husband said he wanted access to our son. I reluctantly agreed but it was a trick. He barred me from seeing my son. I couldn’t bring him to court as it favours the men and we didn’t have the money anyway.

I didn’t see my son for a long time. When he was four years old, my ex-husband brought him back, saying that my son’s life was no longer safe in his house, whatever that meant. I was so happy to have him back.

At this stage I had finished a course in the polytechnic and was in university studying education. My mother and sister helped me to look after son. At university I met a lovely new man and we eventually got married in 1992 (officiated by an Irish priest).

I always knew that if I were to leave Nigeria I would come to Ireland, because I’d had such wonderful experiences with Irish missionaries. We arrived here in 2000. I’ve come to know that the Irish people are very welcoming and generous, but there is a small percentage that is not well-informed. Many of my best friends today are Irish and my daughter, who was born here, has Irish godparents.

I’ve been working in the voluntary sector here for a long time. That’s why I was invited to be part of the ‘Because I Am A Girl’ campaign with Plan Ireland. I believe my experience shows there is light at the end of the tunnel for girls and women in similar situations.

I sponsor a girl in Burkina Faso, and will do so until she is 18. I also support 10 girls in Nigeria - I call them my ‘dreamgirls’. I have become a liberated, independent woman because of access to education. It gave me hope and opportunities. I want to do the same for them.

PANEL:

*More than 100 million girls under 18, some as young as 12, are expected to marry over the next decade.

* Young mothers much more likely to suffer from complications due to early childbirth, such as obstetric fistula. Some 2 million women live with this chronic condition which ruins their lives.

* Babies born to adolescent girls have a 50% higher chance of dying before their first birthday than babies born to women in their 20s

* Worldwide, young women (15-24 years) are 1.6 times as likely as young men to be HIV positive.

See www.plan.ie