Stare Master

From Day and Night magazine in Irish Independent, May 4, 2007


“A poor life this if, full of care, we have no time to stand and stare”. Wise words indeed from poet William Henry Davies and it’s certainly the maxim by which I seem to live my life, though perhaps more literally than Davies conceived. Yes folks, I am a compulsive starer.



Now, while it might not be up there with body odour, halitosis or flatulence, my staring problem is still considered a major no-no in some quarters.



I guess it has its origins in my bad eye-sight, which requires that I spend a second longer training my gaze on someone in order to make out who they are. Of course, it's even harder to focus when the object in view is a total stunner.



Like a magpie, I can't seem to fight my attraction to shiny, pretty things, so when an alpha male crosses my path in bars, shops, on public transport and even on the street, I can't help gawking or 'rubber-necking' as a mortified friend of mine likes to call it.



But, thanks to the new The Day After Tomorrow climate that global warming has foisted upon us, Irish weather is picking up earlier every year. This brings with it the saviour for all us incorrigible rubber-neckers – sunglasses.



Your shades now become your mask and, by learning how to subtly move your head without actually turning too much, you’re free to gawp to your hearts content. But it can also be laden with traps and pitfalls, seeing as how everyone looks better in the sunshine, so you must learn to stare critically. It’s a fine art I tell you.



By this point, you probably have me written off as some pale, sweaty guy dressed in a cardigan, who sits in a tree with binoculars all day.



But for those of us who are pathologically incapable of flirting or chatting someone up, being a Stare Master can be our only lifeline when words so often fail. Just make sure that your winning stare is more ‘Come up and see me sometime’ rather than ‘Hello Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?’ Because that would be just creepy man.
declan.cashin@gmail.com