Prophylactic Fun

You gotta love this...

>Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag-line...

>>Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
>>Tesco Condoms - every little helps
>>Nike Condoms - Just do it.
>>Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
>>Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
>>KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
>>Minstrels Condoms -melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
>>Safeway Condoms - Lightening the load.
>>Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
>>Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.
>>Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
>>Pringles condoms - once you pop, you cant stop
>>Burger King Condoms - Home of the whopper
>>Goodyear Condoms - for a longer ride go wide
>>FCUK condoms - no comment required.
>>Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
>>Halfords condoms - we go the extra mile.
>>Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
>>Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
>>Renault condoms - size really does matter!
>>Ronseal condoms - does exactly what it says on the tin
>>Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in 30 minutes
>>Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
>>Heineken condoms - reaches parts that other condoms>just cannot reach
>>Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
>>AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
>>Pepperami condoms - it's a bit of a animal
>>Polo condoms - the condom with the hole
>>The Manchester United Condom... One Yank and your>whole world falls apart.

Brokeback Mountain Broke My Heart

Yesterday afternoon I got to see a preview of Ang Lee's profoundly moving new film, Brokeback Mountain. It's an adaptation of E. Annie Proulx's short story and stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as Ennis and Jack, two cowboys who begin an intense sexual love affair whilst working on the eponymous mountain in 1960s Wyoming.

Living in the strictly oppressive, pre-Stonewall era, Ennis and Jack can't even consider living as a couple so they go their separate ways. Ennis marries Alma (Michelle Williams who gives a remarkably expressive performance) whilst Jack marries rodeo girl Lureen (Anne Hathaway). The years pass, the two men have children but sporadically meet up for "fishing trips" on Brokeback Mountain. The toll that their secret love takes on the two men and their families builds to a devastating final act, that stands out as possibly the most heart-breaking ending that I have ever seen (for those who have read the story, you will know that "the shirt" plays a pivotal role).

This is a beautifully written, directed and acted story. I cannot recommend it highly enough. There was a fear that the gay theme would alienate audiences but after a while, you get so wrapped up in the tale that you forget that it's two men whose relationship you are rooting for. It truly becomes universal: everyone will be able to relate to Ennis and Jack's pain and if you are not horrendously moved by the final scene, then I'm afraid that you might not be of the human race!

Ang Lee, who directed Sense and Sensibility, The Ice Storm (a movie that thematically prefigured the later American Beauty), Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Hulk (a disaster), once again expertly handles repressed emotions and the struggle between modernity and tradition. The loneliness of the two men is thrown into sharp contrast - and then strangely amplified - by the sweeping vistas that Lee offers the viewer. He has brought a sensitive eye to this tale and elicits magnificent work from all those under his auspices.

The two lead actors are extraordinary. It was a brave choice for a couple of young men just beginning their Hollywood careers and they certainly don't hold back. It's unfair to single one out for praise, but special mention must go to Heath Ledger, who has not had an opportunity to demonstrate his acting range before now. His Ennis is a hulking, inarticulate, confused, sad, lost soul who, for reasons he can barely express, slowly and painfully watches his one chance for true happiness fritter away. It's an astonishing performance that in its intense rendition of self-loathing and bewildering pain is reminiscent of De Niro in Raging Bull. Give this young man an Oscar right now.

Brokeback Mountain is without a doubt the best film released this year and is a nice bookend to the year's second best film which was released last January: Clint Eastwood's similarly heartbreaking Million Dollar Baby.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised (but it will be texted)

A spectre is haunting Europe. The spectre of text voting.

Watching the final show of The X Factor last Saturday night, a thought struck me. This show, like so many other (vastly inferior) reality programmes, galvinised the public into voting in huge numbers. Almost 11 million people voted on Saturday evening in the space of 2 hours, almost 6 million of those votes going to the eventual winner Shayne Ward.

What I'm wondering is this: did Tony Blair even get that many direct votes in the last general election? Isn't it frightening to think that the Prime Minister - who runs the country and makes monumental (and catastrophically incorrect) decisions on war and peace - might not have even secured the same amount of votes as a 21 year old singer on a TV show?

Imagine if people in this country were able to vote in the next general election by text or email? This country, like many democracies wordwide, is badly, badly in need of a democratic revolution. Ireland has been dominated by the one political party in a manner that would make the Soviet satellite states of the old Eastern Bloc envious.

Now I know that people multiple-vote in reality shows and so the voting figures are probably wildly inflated, and although this is an option that Sinn Fein might like, structures could be put in place to ensure the integrity and fairness of the system. PIN numbers could be issued to make sure that the 'one person, one vote' pillar is not compromised. Polling cards have to be issued anyway, so it wouldn't be a huge bureaucratic nightmare.

Can you imagine what a shake up it would be to our shoddy, jaded, complacent democracy if people actually voted in huge numbers? It could end in disaster; the entire state structures might stay the same or it could change the political and social landscape forever.

Of course, our ruling politicians would never go for it. The mere thought of empowering voters like that would make them shudder and thank the Lord above that they have so successfully breeded and perpetuated such astonishing levels of cynicism and apathy in the electorate. Can you imagine Blandie Ahern signing off on such an innovation? Imagine if he did though. Just think of how it would shake things up so radically.

We need something to change, something to inspire people, some way to get people to engage in the democratic process. Because if we don't figure out those things soon, the future for Irish politics and society looks very bleak, very boring and very depressing.

John Spencer

I was devastated to learn over the weekend of the sudden death of actor John Spencer, who played Leo McGarry on fictional White House drama The West Wing. Spencer has always been the best actor on a brilliantly acted show and The West Wing will struggle to recover from his loss.

In a case of life imitating art, his character was also a recovering alcoholic and suffered a massive heart attack. For the first five years on the show, Spencer played the savvy, world-weary Chief of Staff to President Bartlet (Martin Sheen). In the course of that period, Spencer had many great moments but two stand out in particular. In an episode from the first series, Leo had to come clean on his former drink and pills addictions after a young staffer leaks the information to the press. Later in the episode, Leo meets the staffer and tries to explain to her what being a recovering alcoholic means. It was the most intelligent and honest discussion on alcoholism that I have ever heard and Spencer was amazing in those scenes.

His finest hour, however, arrived in the third series, in an episode entitled 'Bartlet for America'. In this installment, Leo is facing the Senate Judiciary Committee investigating the White House's concealment of Bartlet's Multiple Sclerosis during the election. In flashback, we see how Leo first convinced Bartlet to run but the main thrust of the epiosde is to show how Leo once fell off the wagon and got drunk during a crucial primary debate. It was quite simply amongst the finest screen acting I have ever seen and Spencer was awarded an Emmy award for that episode.

In the sixth series, his character became the catalyst for huge change in the White House and the series as a whole. After suffering a massive heart attack, Leo resigns and is replaced as Chief of Staff by press secretary CJ Cregg (Allison Janney). This causes a whole rejigging of the staff and major new characters, storylines and dynamics were then introduced. Leo returned in a smaller capacity as an adviser but the sixth series ended with Leo becoming the Vice Presidential candidate alongside Matthew Santos (Jimmy Smits). The seventh series, currently airing in the US, was continuing the campiagn between the Santos-McGarry ticket and Republican Arnie Vinick (Alan Alda).

The show, which many presumed would end after the current series, now faces huge challenges in writing Leo out of the series for good. Spencer was a gifted, worldly actor and will be truly missed by West Wing fans the world over.

Man of the Century

Never mind Gorbachev, Gandhi or Winston Churchill. My vote for Man of the Century goes to a man who makes me think about and view the world differently. A man who makes me laugh and cry; inspires unconditional love in my weary heart and whom I have devoted a good proportion of my life to. Yes people, I'm talking about...Homer Simpson.

Here are some pearls of wisdom from the love of my life.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: How is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

And my all time favourites...

Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!!!

What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'the process of removing weeds from one's garden'.

Homer to Bart: Stealing? How could you?! Didn't you learn anything from that guy who gives all those speeches at Church, Captain What's His Name? We live in a scoiety of laws. Why do you think I brought you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?! Well, I didn't hear anyone laughing, did you?...Except for that guy who made all those funny noises [laughs at the memory; imitates some of the noises]. Now, where was I? Oh yeah: stay the hell away from my stuff.

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Marge try to understand, There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds, and as a jock, it is my duty to give the nerds a hard time.

Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister, I want to see you fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Belle: 'Do you realize you're wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants

Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

George of Arcadia

There was an American TV show that went down a storm in the States last year called Joan of Arcadia. It was about a teenager to whom God appeared in various guises, advising her to do crazy and random things that will apparently make sense in the long run. Surely this is the definitive TV show of the George W. Bush era?

Roth-en to the core

If you want an incisive analysis of the American political, social and cultural systems since World War II, you have two options. You can do a degree in American Studies or, the cheaper option, you can read a series of novels that American novelist Philip Roth published in quick succession towards the end of the 1990s.

There is an interview with Roth in today's Guardian. He's a miserable, grumpy bugger but his 'American Trilogy' is an astounding literary achievement. The books are I Married A Communist, The Human Stain and the magisterial American Pastoral, for which Roth won the Pulitzer Prize. In all these novels, Roth telescopes the narrative onto individuals effected by wider political and historical concerns. As the man has said himself, history doesn't stop at their doors. In fact, history barges in and it most certainly does not wipe its dirty feet beforehand.

I Married A Communist has the context of 1950s McCarthyism; Stain is set during the Clinton Impeachment; and Pastoral takes in the whole post-war period, particularly the counter-revolution of the 1960s. That last novel also prophetically deals with the topic that looks set to dominate American political discourse for a generation to come: terrorism.

His latest work, The Plot Against America, is a 'what-if?' that creates an alernative American history where Charles Lindburgh, aviation hero and Nazi sympathiser becomes President in 1940. I wasn't mad about this but he's still well worth checking out - it beats having to read newspapers MAJ class!

Gift of the Grub

Fans of Gift Grub on Ian Dempsey's Breakfast Show on Today FM have been spoiled over the last few weeks as Mario and the team have been on a particularly strong roll. Check out the Bosco installment and laugh as the pastoral memories of your childhood are destroyed. Inspired stuff. More Bosco news can be checked out here!

Look out for the charity release of Roy Keane's version of Will Young's 'Leave Right Now' - genius, nothing short of it.

I Think I Better Leave Right Now, by Roy Keane

I've gone,
When did I arrive?
Cos all they've left me with is me bloody P45
No more mid-field General
No holding role
But at least I'll be the richest man down the dole
And for me who'll they replace?
A lad with a bit of pace
But will he ever make the face?

So I say..

I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Our players are getting cheaper and cheaper
Somebody's gotta tell me how
That Alan Smith's a midfielder
I think I better leave right now

They say don't worry
Sure we'll be grand
Sure we've got Wes Brown and Rio Ferdinand
I told the Gaffer
You're having a laugh
If you think that tool is a decent centre half
Because he's just no bloody use
Always has an excuse
I never heard that from Steve Bruce

So I say..

I think I better leave right now
Leave all the prawns and the blazers
I think I better leave right now
Before it dawns on the glazers
Can't you just see it now
Here come the knives and the razors
I think I better leave right now

All credit to the time it's flown
Remember how I beat Juventus on me own
The greatest midfielder of his era
Are you listening Patrick Vierra
But I'll keep going, you'll see
Even with me dodgy knee
Oh how the mighty have fallen, it's pathetic
I might end up in Wiggan Athletic

I think I better leave right now
Leave all the prawns and the blazers
I think I better leave right now
Before it dawns on the glazers
Can't you just see it now
Here come the knives and the razors
I think I better leave right now

What's In God's DVD Collection?

"The Flintstones was a delightfully funnny movie about the personification of the famous TV cartoon series. Unfortunately, several examples of unacceptable material reduced the wholesome family value of an otherwise good movie. Wanton Violence/Crime suffered due to the relative success of a criminal, physical violence, kidnapping, and threat of harm to children. There was none of the usual PG-style impunity from adolescents toward their parents but Impuity/Hate lost points due to cheating, language(1), and hateful relationships. Sex/Homosexuality suffered deeply due to the ever-present attempt of the movie industry to increase the threshold of sexual acceptabilty by strategiacally placing frequent sexual inappropriateness of dress and action. There was only one case of unacceptable material in each of Drugs/Alcohol (consumption of what was likely to be alcoholic beverage), Offense to God (euphemisms of God's name in vain)(1), and Murder/Suicide (lynching with intent to hang, noose around neck was visible)."

That insighful commentary comes courtesy of the Christian Analysis of American Culture website that has a database of hundreds of movies and how they do or don't represent an affront to God and what not. Bizarre, bizarre stuff.

I'll have a pint of Bitter please, love

Remember to tip your waitress y'all or like Moby, Gwyneth Paltrow and Lou Reed, you could end up with a bitter waitress. Hilarious stuff.

Bubba loved cigars; Dubya loves Camel

Just, ahem, came across this on the Guardian website - and I didn't think I was easily shocked anymore. Bravo Steve Bell!

The Green Globes

Congrats to Cork actors Cillian Murphy and Johnathan Rhys Meyers who received Golden Globe nominations today. Murphy - who's married to the daughter of my local TD! - was recognised for his extraordinary performance as transexual Kitten Braden in Neil Jordan's superb new movie Breakfast on Pluto.

Rhys Meyers was nominated for his title performance in the TV movie Elvis. He's also extremely good in Woody Allen's Match Point, which is slowly building up huge acclaim.

Murphy is going head to head with Pierce Brosnan, who's in contention for his role in The Matador. I'm a tad reluctant to call Brosnan fully-fledged Irish. Have you seen the movie Evelyn? The man had to put on a (dreadful) Irish accent in it!

Golden Gobshites

Oh how the fallen have fallen. Extremely distressing news from Hollywood today. Scanning the list of the just-announced Golden Globe nominations, I was horrified to see that the heinous movie adaptation of The Producers has been nominated for a mind-boggling 4 awards.

Now, I realise that the Golden Globes are voted for by the Foreign Press Association, a notoriously amorphous collection of hacks with worryingly bizarre tastes in movies, but even they have outdone themselves by giving this codswallop citations for [laugh out loud] Best Musical or Comedy, Best Actor for the hideous Nathan Lane, Best Supporting Actor for the appalling Will Ferrell and a Best Song nod for Mel Brooks.

I can only assume that the FPA has either not seen the movie or that they ingeniously pandered to the legendary venality of the Golden Globe voters in order to bestow some industry respect on this dreadful, offensive, interminable dross.

The Catcher in the Die

The 25th anniversary of John Lennon's murder brought his killer Mark Chapman back into the public gaze and with it, a fascinating sidebar to the killing. It was revealed afterwards that Chapman was obsessed with Holden Caulfield, the protagonist of J.D Salinger's seminal novel The Catcher in the Rye and indeed a copy of the novel was found by police amongst his possessions.

John Hinkley Jnr shot U.S President Ronald Reagan in March 1981 in a bid to impress actress Jodie Foster, whose character in the movie Taxi Driver he was fixated on. It turns out Hinckley was also a devoted fan of Salinger's novel.

The Catcher in the Rye is, of course, the definitive 'rights of passage' novel. You really cannot avoid it during your teens: it will either be forced on you in school or you find it yourself and read it over and over as you rant and rave against your parents, your teachers and all the phonies out there in the world. It's just fascinating the impact that this book has had on the public imagination. It really has something for everyone who feels like they are any way different or don't fit in in a given environment.

The notoriously weird Salinger insisted that the novel never have a fancy cover - he prefers all his works to have a blank white cover bearing just the title, indicating that these novels are really just canvases with a little paint on them that you mould into a design that reflects your own experiences, fears, desires. Who said that television and movies are the cause of violence and copycat killings in today's world?

Eire on Jerry Springer

[What follows is an extract from the transcript of a once-off, unbroadcast edition of the Jerry Springer Show]

Cue Music: Title reads "Capitalism cheated on me...now I'm pissed!"

Jerry: Hello and welcome to the show. Today, we're going to be talking to people who have discovered that their lovers are cheating on them [audience goes 'woooo']. When they confronted their paramours about it, they were told 'I found someone better' [audience wooos again].

Please welcome Eire. She says that her beloved, Captalism, has announced that he wants an open relationship and that he has found a lover that makes him happier [audience noise].

Hi Eire.

Eire: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Eire, we've had Capitalism on this show many times so we're familiar with your problem but tell me about your relationship with him.

Eire: Well Jerry, it's like this. I've been involved with Capitalism for years. I had longed for him for ages beforehand and I bent over backwards and made enormous sacrifices to attract him. I eventually hooked him after an enormous struggle and it was great. We had a couple of wonderful years together. He wined and dined me, promised me the moon and the stars. He spoiled me rotten, I wanted for nothing, he seduced me with flash gifts - he swept me off my feet basically.

[Eire's voice trembles, she swallows a tear]

I'm sorry.

Eire: It's ok Eire, in your own time.

Eire: Suddenly things changed. He was distant. He said that I was making too many demands on him, that I was too expensive for him. It's his fault for keeping me in the style that I became accustomed to. That's when I discovered...his other lovers.

[audience inhales, some laughter].

Jerry: Go on, Eire.

Eire: I knew that he was shopping around for people, I know him better than he thinks. Afterall, I know I lured him away from other people to begin with. He's a heartless BLEEP really. Suddenly, he was all "Well, this person makes it easier for me to grow as a person" and "That person doesn't want to hold me down like you do". I was so angry and hurt. I badmouthed him to all my friends, but he doesn't care. He just tells me: "There's plenty more where you come from".

[audience woos]

Jerry: Well, we have Capitalism waiting back stage [audience chatter excitedly]. Eire, are you ready to confront him?

Eire: I sure am. Bring it on! [audience hollers]

Jerry: Come on out Capitalism.

[audience erupts in cheers, boos]

Capitalism: [shouting above the noise] Listen honey, I never promised you nothing, alright? You want me to be honest? I was using you, ok? You were available, you gave me what I needed. Yeah, we had some great times, but I need to move on. It's not in my nature to settle for one person, I want to have as many as I can [audience boos, some cheers]. You knew that when you got involved with me so don't start moaning now!

Eire: Why you son of a BLEEP! [Leaps up from chair and lunges at Capitalism]. I'm gonna BLEEP-ing kill you, you rotten BLEEP-er, how could you betray me like that?!

[Steve the bouncer rushes on stage and restrains Eire]

Capitalism: Whatever honey, talk to the hand cos the face aint listenin.

Eire: You BLEEP! [shakes off Steve, rushes at Cap.]

[Capitalism places his hand on Eire's face and keeps her at arms length laughing].

Eire: What have they got that I don't huh?!

[Capitalism laughs and sways his pelvis in a sexual matter]

Eire: YOU BLEEP!

[Steve has to carry Eire off stage, she cannot be restrained. Capitalism stays on stage, unfazed, laughing]

Jerry: Capitalism, have you anything to say for yourself...again?

Capitalism: Jerry, I aint ever gonna change so I'm warning y'all out there watching today: you might all want my good, good lovin but I will always be looking for someone better.

[audience hollers, boos, cheers. The din is overwhelming]

Jerry: Well, it looks like I'm going to have to wrap this up. Capitalism...well, what can I say? You never change so I guess I'll see you here again. Eire, I hope you can find some peace with the reality of Capitalism and maybe accept that your golden days with him are over.

[Jerry's Final Thought]

We've had to re-learn a painful lesson here today. Capitalism is a self-confessed, serial adulterer. He won't settle for just one person: he's always looking out for that next find, the one that's cheaper, hotter, has more to offer in a number of ways. As Eire has realised tonight and many more before her, you can't completely submit yourself to Capitalism's charms and demands and then cry foul when he finds someone else willing to go one better than you. It's what he thrives on.

By staying in a relationship with the adultrous Capitalism, you are putting a great deal of your future, your wealth and your health at risk. It's the thrill of this risk that keep us coming back. He's proven time and again that he is the only one that can really give people what they need. But he is ruthless, selfish, greedy and opportunistic and Eire will have to accept that she can't Ferrie well benefit enormously from Capitalism's flattery and expect to have it stay that way forever. The more attention he gives us, the more we demand and that's normally when he begins to look for the competition.

I'll see you again next time but until then, take care of yourselves...and each other.

[fade to music]

I wanna thank my mom,my dog, Jesus: Part 3

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman...

Best Actress:

2005 will surely be remembered as one of the worst years in living memory for actresses in Hollywood. There is a frightening dearth of decent roles this year, the weakest in over a decade.

Even in recent years, where there was some competition, the eventual winners were all beautiful actresses who had to 'dress down' or 'go ugly' in order to win. Hilary Swank won her first Best Actress Oscar for playing a transexual in Boys Don't Cry (1999) ; Halle Berry scrubbed down for her role in Monsters' Ball (2001) ; Nicole Kidman famously donned a prosthetic nose to play Virginia Woolf in The Hours (2002) and Charlize Theron underwent a remarkable transformation for her Oscar winning portrayal of serial killer Aileen Wuornos in Monster (2003).

The miserable selection of performances that could be considered legitimately award worthy means that just about any female performance could sneak in this year.

Rom-com queen Reese Witherspoon is the early favourite for her role as long suffering June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, a performance that has comprehensively silenced the critics who said Witherspoon couldn't do drama. The awards recently have all gone to young actresses so she could well be crowned this year.

Former winners Charlize Theron and Gwyneth Paltrow are potential nominees for movies that have not exactly overwhelmed critics - Theron as a striking miner in North Country and Paltrow for the adaptation of stage-play Proof. Similarly Desperate Housewife Felicity Huffman has received good reviews for playing a transexual in Transamerica, a road movie that has divided critics. Huffman has the gargantuan Miramax publicity machine behind her plus an Emmy winning role in a high profile TV show so she stands a good chance.

Another youngun, Claire Danes, has gotten raves for her role opposite Steve Martin in Shopgirl as has past nominee Joan Allen for The Upside of Anger. The Brits will be angling for nominations for The Jaw aka Keira Knightley for Pride and Prejudice (which has gone done a storm on both sides of the Atlantic) and for perennial nominee/winner Dame Judi Dench for the so-so Mrs Henderson Presents. In light of the anaemic competition, the studio might well bump Rachel Weisz up to lead status for her superb performance in The Constant Gardener. Naomi Watts is suddenly a contender for the scream queen role in King Kong - yes, that's the kind of year it's been for actresses.


Best Supporting Actress:

The Supporting category is a bit more hopeful than the Lead one. Weisz would be a strong contender here but if she's competing as a Lead, the field is left wide open. Old-timers Shirley MacLaine and Diane Keaton have the kind of scenery-chewing roles in their respective movies In Her Shoes and The Family Stone that walk off with Supporting awards. Past winner Frances McDormand could get in for North Country as could the brilliant Laura Linney for The Squid and the Whale.

The indie favourites should feature strongly here too. Amy Adams is building support for her role in Junebug and Hope Davis could sneak in for Proof. Catherine Keener stands a great chance for playing 'To Kill a Mockingbird' author Harper Lee in Capote. Dawson's Creek alum Michelle Williams has received remarkable reviews for her turn in Brokeback Mountain and Sandra Bullock could break through into Hollywood respectabilty by way of her against- type performance in Crash.

I wanna thank my mom, my dog, Jesus...: Part 2

Let's hear it for the boys...

Best Actor:

Last year, four out of the five Best Actor nominees were actors playing real-life people. This year, biopics look set to dominate again. Top of this pile are Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, Philip Seymour Hoffman as gay writer Truman Capote in Capote, David Strathairn as Edward R. Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck and the surliest man in town, Russell Crowe as boxer Jim Braddock in Cinderella Man.

Phoenix is the early favourite but he will have to see off increasing buzz from Aussie actor Heath Ledger who is receiving rave reviews for his portrayal of a repressed gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. Repressed emotions is what Ralph Fiennes does particularly well in The Constant Gardener and gathering momentum for Munich might make Eric Bana a contender too.

There is always room for the indie favourites in acting categories these days and there are more than enough actors competing for limited space here. Irish eyes will be looking on Cillian Murphy for his extraordinary performace in Breakfast on Pluto, although an anticipated mixed reaction to the movie could set him back. Viggo Mortenson does good work in A History Of Violence and who couldn't love recidivist Robert Downey Jnr in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang?

Jeff Daniels is getting the best reviews of his career for divorce drama The Squid and the Whale whilst Cannes winner Tommy Lee Jones enters the race with his self-directed movie The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, which should get an Oscar for Worst and Most Unmarketable title of the year. Can't rule out George Clooney for Syriana, Terence Howard for Hustle and Flow, Jake Gyllenhall for Gulf War drama Jarhead and Bill Murray for another deadpan, hangdog performance in Broken Flowers.

Best Supporting Actor:

The supporting categories often allow the Academy to be more adventurous so they are always worth watching out for. Having said that, they can also be used as a Lifetime Achievement prize or as an evenue to correct a grave wrong from previous ceremonies. Last years' Oscar snubee Paul Giamatti could well be rewarded this year for his turn in Cinderella Man.

Donald Sutherland might bag his first - yes, his first - Oscar nomination for his role as the Bennett patriarch in Pride and Prejudice. Semi-old timer Craig T. Nelson might also make his Oscar debut for his effective performance in The Family Stone. Young guns are also gearing up for the race. Jake Gyllenhall is almost a lock to be nominated for Brokeback Mountain. His Jarhead co-star Peter Saarsgard - arguably Hollywood's most interesting and talented actor - might feature here too. Ensemble drama Crash offers a raft of potential nominees - Terence Howard, Don Cheadle and, best of all, Matt Dillon in a career best performance.

Munich also features former winner Geoffrey Rush (Best Actor, Shine, 1996) and new Bond Daniel Craig. Frank Langella is a strong contender for Good Night and Good Luck, as is Chris Cooper in Capote, Steve Martin for Shopgirl and Kevin Costner in The Upside of Anger. Val Kilmer - yes, him - should be taken seriously for some great work in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang.

Implicit homophobia

Quentin Fottrell wrote a superb article in last weekend's Sunday Tribune about homophobia in Irish life, implicitely reinforced by the Catholic Church's medieval thinking on the topic. You can read it here.

Penguins on the March

The so-called cultural wars really came to the fore in last year’s Presidential race in the United States. The enormous controversy caused by two movies demonstrated just how polarised the nation had become. Conservatives embraced Mel Gibson’s epic ‘The Passion of the Christ’ whilst liberals championed Michael Moore’s devastating Bush-basher ‘Fahrenheit 9/11’.

This summer, the Conservative side claimed a new cinematic ally in their fight against the pinko enemy. ‘March of the Penguins’ provided a sufficiently blank canvas for people to project whatever qualities onto it that they wished. To fundamentalist Christians, such as the “Concerned Women for America”, this movie argued against evolution, abortion and homosexuality and strongly endorsed monogamy, child-rearing and ‘intelligent design’.

'March of the Penguins', which is released here on December 9th, should not be hijacked by politics because it is a beautiful, funny, fascinating and moving film. If I give you a plot summary, you'll just look at me funny: it's about the mating rituals of Emperor penguins in the South Pole. See? I knew you'd raise your eyebrows! But please take my word for it. These penguins will have to compete for cinematic space with Narnia and King Kong but please don't miss this movie that will instil the kind of wonder in all hearts and minds that no CGI-laden special effects extravaganza can match.

I wanna thank my mom, my dog, Jesus...: Part 1

It's getting to that time of the movie year again when CGI-laden blockbusters and event movies, not to mention movies that end in a number, all fizzle out and the Hollywood studios reveal their prestige pictures that they hope will bag them some of the plethora of awards that carry so much currency (literally and metaphorically) in Tinseltown today.

Nominations for the Golden Globe awards - which are bafflingly influential on Oscar voters - are announced on December 19th and from there, it will be a non-stop gong-fest until the mother of all tear-stained, over-earnest, self-congratulatory Bacchanalia arrrives: Oscar night on March 5th next year.

Upon hearing that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had been formed to hand out Oscar awards in 1927, one famous studio exec allegedly said: 'What art? What science?'The Oscars are constantly being disparaged by critics, industry insiders and even actors - Marlon Brando and George C. Scott being their most famous critics. Dustin Hoffman, Meryl Streep and Sean Penn all later denounced the awards but quickly changed their tune when they actually won an award. Everyone in Hollywood wants to win an Oscar and anyone who says otherwise is a total liar. The industry is obsessed with the awards and every studio times their releases every year to cash in on award fever.

So here are a few of the movies in contention as well as the actors and directors hoping for a chance to hide their grimaces and desperation behind a fake smile in one of the five camera shots as some extravagantly paid, overly gift-basketed presenter says 'And the Oscar goes to...

This posting will look at the movies competing for the big cheese - Best picture of the year. The acting categories will follow later!

Best Picture:
This year, movies that tackle topical and political issues are at the top of all critics lists for awards. Many are commenting on how this year is to be the Year of the Gay in Hollywood - gay characters, that is, not gay actors. Heaven forbid! Besides, there are no gay actors in Hollywood anyway, right? (There are just superstars who pay young actresses to be in relationships with them, convert them to Scientology and have babies in a manner that makes the movie Rosemary's Baby look positively normal).

The traditional route to winning an Oscar in the past - as parodied so well by Kate Winslet in Ricky Gervais' Extras - is to play a character with a disabilty or mental illness. This year, Hollywood is treating homosexuality as the new disabilty - it gives actors meaty (!) roles to sink their teeth into, especially considering that movies tend to treat homosexuality as being an enormous trauma. This disturbing trend nevertheless gives actors the chance to emote, convey desires and emotions with their eyes and body language - and all that other claptrap that Lee Strasberg graduates will spout on about in interviews (as well as constantly reminding us of their real-life heterosexuality lest there be any doubt).

Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's adaptation of Annie Proulx's novella about a doomed love affair between two Wyoming ranchhands - Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall - is really the one to watch for this year. Observing the reaction to a movie that debunks myths about cowboys and traditional masculinity in a country where some states have adopted constitutional bans on gay marriage will be fascinating to behold.

Promising to be even more controversial is Steven Spielberg's latest Munich, which he finished in rapid time in order for it to be eligible for this year's awards. The action of the movie takes place in the aftermath of the 1972 Olympics where 11 Israeli athletes were killed by members of the Palestinian terrorist group, Black September. The film focuses on the Mossad agents sent by the Israeli government to hunt down the killers. A Jewish director entering the wasps nest that is the Arab-Israeli conflict is sure to provoke enormous debate over the next few months. Time Magazine has already devoted its latest cover to the movie.

2005 is also looking up to be the year of George Clooney. Stephen Gaghan, the Oscar winning screenwriter of Traffic (2000), is the writer-director of Syriana, a political thriller based upon the explosive contemporary topic of oil control in the Persian Gulf. Clooney himself serves as director, co-writer and star of Good Night and Good Luck, a highly praised account of legendary journalist Edward R. Murrow's battle against the Senator Joe McCarthy's House UnAmerican Activities Committee in the 1950s. Like most historical films, Good Night registers many present-day anxieties and comparisons between McCarthyism and the censorious climate of George W. Bush's America have already been fiercely debated Stateside. One look at the film's various taglines indicate where Clooney's political sympathies lie: 'In A Nation Terrorized By Its Own Government, One Man Dared to Tell The Truth' and 'We will not walk in fear of one another'.

Clooney stands a chance of being nominated as an actor in Syriana and Good Night as well as director and screenwriter of the latter. Not bad for the man who starred in the abominable Batman and Robin!

Rob Marshall, who directed Chicago to Oscar glory three years ago, is in contention this year for an adaptation of Arthur Holden's Memoirs of a Geisha. The movie is building considerable attention, particularly for it's stars Ziyi Zhang and Gong Li. Whether they can penetrate the astonishing racism of the Academy remains to be seen.

Biopics are strongly represented again this year. Walk the Line tells the story of the late, great Johnny Cash and his wife June Carter Cash, played by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon, who both perform their own singing, and, by all account, deliver superb performances on top of it. Philip Seymour Hoffman, an actor better known to most viewers as 'What was he in again?' headlines the biopic of flamboyant journalist Truman Capote in Capote. Incredible reviews are pushing Hoffman to the fore for the acting prizes which was enough to earn Ray a Best Picture nod last year largely on the strenth of Jamie Foxx's performance.

Other contenders include the superb and avowedly political The Constant Gardener, directed by City of God helmer Fernando Meirelles and featuring strong lead performances from Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz. The early releases for Ron Howard's Cinderella Man and Paul Haggis' melting-pot drama Crash might see them struggling to stand out in voter's memories during the end of year rush. David Cronenberg's ambiguous and thought-provoking A History of Violence must be in the running and, just this week, surprisingly excellent reviews are arriving in for the movie that might well challenge Titanic to be the biggest in the history of cinema: Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong. Can the big hairy ape - Kong, not Peter Jackson - make it onto the Best Picture roster?

It's possible that Kong will snag the place on the list that is often set aside for the 'serious comedy' or the more light-hearted contender. Musicals are given far more weight these days and fantasy films cannot be ruled out in the wake of Lord of the Rings' Oscar haul of 11 trophies 2 years ago. For that reason, The Chronicles of Narnia, Mrs Henderson Presents and Pride and Prejudice might be legitimate runners. Mixed reviews for the movie adaptation of stage musical Rent will hurt its chances and, having seen the movie adaptation of the musical The Producers , I can say that it is unfathomably dreadful and if it gets a single Oscar nomination, I am boycotting the awards. But then again, the whole point of that movie is that there is no accounting for taste and that is certainly a guiding maxim of the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and Sciences (Hello? Forrest Gump, A Beautiful Mind and Chicago are all recent winners here!)