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Friday, December 09, 2005

Eire on Jerry Springer

[What follows is an extract from the transcript of a once-off, unbroadcast edition of the Jerry Springer Show]

Cue Music: Title reads "Capitalism cheated on I'm pissed!"

Jerry: Hello and welcome to the show. Today, we're going to be talking to people who have discovered that their lovers are cheating on them [audience goes 'woooo']. When they confronted their paramours about it, they were told 'I found someone better' [audience wooos again].

Please welcome Eire. She says that her beloved, Captalism, has announced that he wants an open relationship and that he has found a lover that makes him happier [audience noise].

Hi Eire.

Eire: Hi Jerry.

Jerry: Eire, we've had Capitalism on this show many times so we're familiar with your problem but tell me about your relationship with him.

Eire: Well Jerry, it's like this. I've been involved with Capitalism for years. I had longed for him for ages beforehand and I bent over backwards and made enormous sacrifices to attract him. I eventually hooked him after an enormous struggle and it was great. We had a couple of wonderful years together. He wined and dined me, promised me the moon and the stars. He spoiled me rotten, I wanted for nothing, he seduced me with flash gifts - he swept me off my feet basically.

[Eire's voice trembles, she swallows a tear]

I'm sorry.

Eire: It's ok Eire, in your own time.

Eire: Suddenly things changed. He was distant. He said that I was making too many demands on him, that I was too expensive for him. It's his fault for keeping me in the style that I became accustomed to. That's when I discovered...his other lovers.

[audience inhales, some laughter].

Jerry: Go on, Eire.

Eire: I knew that he was shopping around for people, I know him better than he thinks. Afterall, I know I lured him away from other people to begin with. He's a heartless BLEEP really. Suddenly, he was all "Well, this person makes it easier for me to grow as a person" and "That person doesn't want to hold me down like you do". I was so angry and hurt. I badmouthed him to all my friends, but he doesn't care. He just tells me: "There's plenty more where you come from".

[audience woos]

Jerry: Well, we have Capitalism waiting back stage [audience chatter excitedly]. Eire, are you ready to confront him?

Eire: I sure am. Bring it on! [audience hollers]

Jerry: Come on out Capitalism.

[audience erupts in cheers, boos]

Capitalism: [shouting above the noise] Listen honey, I never promised you nothing, alright? You want me to be honest? I was using you, ok? You were available, you gave me what I needed. Yeah, we had some great times, but I need to move on. It's not in my nature to settle for one person, I want to have as many as I can [audience boos, some cheers]. You knew that when you got involved with me so don't start moaning now!

Eire: Why you son of a BLEEP! [Leaps up from chair and lunges at Capitalism]. I'm gonna BLEEP-ing kill you, you rotten BLEEP-er, how could you betray me like that?!

[Steve the bouncer rushes on stage and restrains Eire]

Capitalism: Whatever honey, talk to the hand cos the face aint listenin.

Eire: You BLEEP! [shakes off Steve, rushes at Cap.]

[Capitalism places his hand on Eire's face and keeps her at arms length laughing].

Eire: What have they got that I don't huh?!

[Capitalism laughs and sways his pelvis in a sexual matter]


[Steve has to carry Eire off stage, she cannot be restrained. Capitalism stays on stage, unfazed, laughing]

Jerry: Capitalism, have you anything to say for yourself...again?

Capitalism: Jerry, I aint ever gonna change so I'm warning y'all out there watching today: you might all want my good, good lovin but I will always be looking for someone better.

[audience hollers, boos, cheers. The din is overwhelming]

Jerry: Well, it looks like I'm going to have to wrap this up. Capitalism...well, what can I say? You never change so I guess I'll see you here again. Eire, I hope you can find some peace with the reality of Capitalism and maybe accept that your golden days with him are over.

[Jerry's Final Thought]

We've had to re-learn a painful lesson here today. Capitalism is a self-confessed, serial adulterer. He won't settle for just one person: he's always looking out for that next find, the one that's cheaper, hotter, has more to offer in a number of ways. As Eire has realised tonight and many more before her, you can't completely submit yourself to Capitalism's charms and demands and then cry foul when he finds someone else willing to go one better than you. It's what he thrives on.

By staying in a relationship with the adultrous Capitalism, you are putting a great deal of your future, your wealth and your health at risk. It's the thrill of this risk that keep us coming back. He's proven time and again that he is the only one that can really give people what they need. But he is ruthless, selfish, greedy and opportunistic and Eire will have to accept that she can't Ferrie well benefit enormously from Capitalism's flattery and expect to have it stay that way forever. The more attention he gives us, the more we demand and that's normally when he begins to look for the competition.

I'll see you again next time but until then, take care of yourselves...and each other.

[fade to music]


Tony said...


Greg said...

Excellent. But what has happened to the 'quality' Jerry Springer shows that we know and love, like the one where a guy was on who was married to a horse. Its actually true, there is one state in the US - cant remeber the exact state -but it is not illegal to have relationship with animals....

Declan Cashin said...

That horse episode is legendary, I'm sure it can be downloaded from somewhere on that 'Internetwork' that all the young people are talking about.

I used to love the show titles on Ricki Lake - how could you not love a title like "Dump that zero and get yoself a hero"? Or the best ever - "You think you are all that - but I am here to tell you that you are not" (not making that up, honest)

Seán Kenny said...

That is top drawer satire, Dec. Good job!

BrianGraham said...

BRILLIANT stuff Declan, you should try to get it published.

Mayoman said...

That was absolutely top notch stuff, perhaps something for The Portadown News!