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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Man of the Century

Never mind Gorbachev, Gandhi or Winston Churchill. My vote for Man of the Century goes to a man who makes me think about and view the world differently. A man who makes me laugh and cry; inspires unconditional love in my weary heart and whom I have devoted a good proportion of my life to. Yes people, I'm talking about...Homer Simpson.

Here are some pearls of wisdom from the love of my life.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: How is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

And my all time favourites...

Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!!!

What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as 'the process of removing weeds from one's garden'.

Homer to Bart: Stealing? How could you?! Didn't you learn anything from that guy who gives all those speeches at Church, Captain What's His Name? We live in a scoiety of laws. Why do you think I brought you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun?! Well, I didn't hear anyone laughing, did you?...Except for that guy who made all those funny noises [laughs at the memory; imitates some of the noises]. Now, where was I? Oh yeah: stay the hell away from my stuff.

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Marge try to understand, There are two kinds of college students: jocks and nerds, and as a jock, it is my duty to give the nerds a hard time.

Don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister, I want to see you fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Belle: 'Do you realize you're wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants

Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

1 comment:

Mayoman said...

Great stuff Declan - I'm not sure if I should be worried about the fact I knew every one of those Homer quotes off by heart. Here's another one-

Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.

Lisa: That's the home-owner tax, Dad!